I said everything I shouldn’t have if I wanted her to stay by my side but I said everything I should have if I wanted to move on with my life. But honestly, I’m not ready to move on if it means losing you in the process. I feel like I’ve lost myself. People and consequences hang over me and I have to act a certain way to please the peace between us.  I am most myself being alone. I feel like I don’t have to face anything and grab a mask from my gallery just to paint a pretty picture. Where was the ambitious, good-willed person I was a year ago. Why am I stained by the lights and glamour of turning 18? Why do I go against my morale’s yet feel no injustice to myself. I hope our destiny lines intertwine once again in times when I feel we get stretched and pulled further apart I wish we could coincide once again. I told myself to say my piece and say everything I could not but yet I still stutter and choke when my heart wanted to speak. I wish this wasn’t the case, I really did. What I loved most about her is that for the first time in my life, I know someone who knows what I really mean. She  reads between the lines and understands what I have to say when I haven’t said anything at all. With every passing minute, I feel closer and more comfortable. This time, she might really be the one. The one to bring me out of it. I believe she feels comfortable with me too and she truly appreciates what I’ve done and what I will do. I wish in time I become more like the me I was a year ago if that is the real me. I can only hope she can find it within her to trust me when I say I will change. 

It’s unfair. You say I remind you of him at times, and then you say things and leave it there. My imagination and over active mind picks it up and never lets it go. It keeps going on and on, thinking and thinking. But I’m being treated so much differently am I? Yes. ” You can take her away from me only over my dead body  … “

Maybe it’s just me but does everything in my life come with a shorter expiry date? Feelings, relationships. The way I feel for a person can change in the matter of minutes. I always believe that nothing can be done overnight, but, I’ve been proven wrong haven’t I. That’s why I’m always reluctant to start something cause I know I won’t commit a 100% into it and neither will I leave with the same enthusiasm and heart when once I entered.

It’s good that this jigsaw puzzle that we became got messed up again, now, without your help; I’m piecing it together again. It’s a beautiful picture I heard. I wonder everyday about how you’re doing, how the people in your life are doing, but well, I don’t feel right doing that anymore. I got too involved, or may I say, get my feelings involved a little too much. Anyway, I believe there are better people in your life to do my job. I have nothing. That’s being painfully honest of me, hah.

Maybe subconsciously, I want to be like him, the object of your desire, the cause of your everything, the reason for your actions and emotions. Maybe I want to be him or maybe, I just want you to think about me a little. Hopefully, both of us can come up with a compromise. I’ve got to gather whatever courage that’s leftover and pack all the letters I’ve kept to myself the next time we ever speak. It was too much of a good thing. Maybe I’m just currently experiencing a very long lapse of sanity. Well I’ve contemplated the idea of visiting a psychiatrist before. 

In my auburn lit room, with my auburn night light, scented candles. Tired from another day of underachieving, nowhere closer to where I want to be in life. But I’m okay with that, even though I know I don’t have much time on my hands, I believe that the next day will be the day. That’s optimism. And that’s good to have. I lay my head on the bed, with the music playing in the background. This music, the same music that played a few months ago, now holds little meaning.  I heaved a sigh and let my mind wander, the music fades into the background as I recollect. I look around me and everything’s the same and at the same time, everything’s different. They just lose meaning over time don’t they? I’ll admit, that night, I felt really empty. I’ll man up and say I shed a tear or two before letting fatigue consume my conscience.

The other day, I walked the same path I use to a few months ago too. The road that was extra-long just so that I could find time to call you every morning and make sure everything’s good. I love to start my days like that; actually, I really love those days. It hit me how it’s not like this anymore. How things changed. How one change can lead to another and to another and so on… The last thing you said to me was that you had to lose yourself. Well, that’s that isn’t it? Never had I once thought to myself that I couldn’t do it, I never had an ounce of self-doubt.  But well, the way you made it seem, it’s really impossible. It’s not that I find no point chasing pavements, I’ve always been doing it, the thing is though, I just feel wronged from the start.

I wish I could tell you all I’ve wanted to but it seems difficult now. I know you probably have the answers to questions I’ve yet to ask. That’s what’s keeping me from saying anything. There’s this part of me that wants you to doubt your own answers and maybe change them. I have to face reality. I haven’t done anything and I’ve lost you and if I were to do anything either, I would lose you too. Now it’s either we still remain as “friends “or become strangers again.

Don’t you want to lift your head and look at me and don’t I want to lift my head and look at you again? Don’t I want all those emotions to come back to me? I honestly don’t know.